Why does it have to be so fucking hard? I thought time was supposed to be a great healer? Well you know what? It still hurts like I've been punched in the solar plexus. Tomorrow my little boy will be three years old, and if life wasn't so cruel I'd now be writing two birthday cards, wrapping two lots of presents and swearing over two birthday cakes I should have made sooner.
Tomorrow doesn't just mark their birthday, it marks the start of the five hardest weeks of my calendar. Five weeks when I once had two sons, when I held them both and planned our future, when I came home from the hospital and pushed the double buggy round the living room practising for when they'd come home. Each year I dread this time in limbo and breathe a sorrowful sigh of relief when the anniversary has passed and I can start living again.
Has everyone forgotten my son? No-one mentions him any more, no-one gives me a hug and says how hard this day must be for us. How is it that no-one realises how much it still hurts? Happiness for one child's future can't ever dilute the grief one feels for another child's past.
I know tomorrow should be a celebration of my lost son's birthday, as much as it is a celebration for his living brother. But I defy you to find something, anything to celebrate about a baby who never lived to blow out his first candle.
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
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44 comments:
I have no words but could not say nothing. I'm sorry you still feel the pain so keenly and sorry he did not live. Kat x
I guess...celebrate your love for him...
I hope tomorrow is lovely, and your son is showered with kisses...and a big hug and kisses for you too...
That must be so hard, well I for one will say happy Birthday to both your boys tomorrow and then hope the next five weeks are as bearable as can be. So so sad
Like Kat, I don't know what to say. But we ARE listening. We DO care about your lost boy. x
Thinking of you and both your children. Am sorry for your pain and hope you find support and comfort in the coming weeks x
lost for words which is crap, but sending you wishes of comfort and support for the coming weeks, and blessings to both your boys.
I'm sure people haven't forgotten and do remember, they may not mention in an attempt to make it easier for you. Of course, nothing can make this easy, and as for time being a healer - I don't believe it. Such deep grief, of losing a child, of losing a partner or friend before their time, will never leave those who loved those who left us. I wish you strength for the difficult weeks ahead of you.
We all remember your son. And we all grieve alongside you through every difficult word of those emotional sentences.
Thinking of you all x
I am so, so sorry. Happy Birthday to both your precious children. Much love. xxx
You remember him, and you cherish his memory. That's important. I don't think it'll ever get easier to remember the one you lost, but you'll do it because you have too. Sending much love xx
I... have no words of strength or wisdom, I'm afraid, just very sincere sympathies for your dreadful pain and tragic loss. I'm so sorry to hear that your grief - and, therefore, your lost son - isn't given its proper place by some of those around you.
I do hope that tomorrow goes beautifully for the birthday lad, and as well as it possibly can for you. Don't worry too much over the cake; it'll be crumbs by the end of teatime!
I can't begin to imagine how hard that must be. Big hugs to you and Happy Birthday for both your sons. xxx
Like many of your other readers, I lack the words to say how much your post has moved me and how hard I realise today will be for you. We will be thinking of you and both your precious boys today.
I have no words but couldn't pass over this post without saying a thing. I'm thinking of you today, and you've made me think of someone close to me that I should do something for the next time the anniversary comes around, so thank you.
Who said "'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all'"? I know you'd probably want to punch them in the face right now, but I kind of like the sentiment.
A celebration and a commemoration on the same day must be so hard to bear. Sending you hugs from one mother to another.
I'm thinking of you all today, and weeping for your loss. I hope you get through the day and the next few weeks. If I could work out how to get to you on public transport I would come and give you a big hug and my shoulder.
With love and birthday kisses to both your beautiful boys.
Tasha xxx
My sister feels the pain for her lost boy more each year as she watches her younger sons growing up. Until this year, I had not given much thought to why it may get harder for her.
Other people around you are probably the same and maybe some of them don't want to be the one to raise the subject in case they upset you.
People are often uncomfortable around deep feelings - not because they don't care, but because they can't cope or don't know what to say or do.
It helped me when my sister explained her feelings - she is the mother of 3 sons. Perhaps the comfort you seek will only come from talking to people who have experienced the same. Or maybe you could open up to those around you and think of a way to celebrate or commemorate.
I'm sorry for your loss - thinking of you.
happy birthday to both your boys. Remember him and stay strong x
Am thinking of you today
Thinking of you.. Happy Birthday to both of your sons! x
I've never left a comment for anyone before. A good friend of mine lost her little boy a while back. I've spent a long time since trying to think what on earth it must be like for her and what on earth anyone can do to make life bearable. I've not come to any conclusions other than it totally, completely blows my mind. I don't know how she must feel, beyond the bits she explains. I am amazed that she can get up in the morning, that she can look after 2 other gorgeous boys and that she can still bear to listen to me rambling on about stupid little things I think are important. All my thinking or amazement at her won't help, but I do try and talk about her son lots - we talk about the sadness and I still take the piss out of the time she tried and failed to cut his hair. When I moved away she told me that she can't talk like that to many people. Not being able to talk about the most important thing that's ever happened to you must be unbearable, not having other people acknowledge it the same. I don't know why people don't mention your son - like someone else said I guess they think they are doing you a favour by not bringing it up. It's a shame they don't think a little harder and realise that you never forget or get over that sort of thing, you just find a way of coping and that coping includes being able to talk about and remember him. I don't know what the point of this comment is really, apart from to say that I think you writing about this will help people get better at supporting friends they know who are going through the same thing. That won't make it any easier for you, but it's a tiny bit of good...
What you carry is harder to live with than any of us can imagine. I am so sorry.
You can talk all you like about your lost son here. Bloggers are good at listening to the things other people don't mention any more.
Oh lovely I'm so sorry - this time must be so hard for you
I hope you have a lovely time celebrating your sons birthday whilst also finding ways to celebrate the short life of your son too
Thinking of you all
Like your other readers I find myself at a loss for words. And that is also why people don't speak of your dear one to you, we just don't always know how. I have a friend who lost her daughter at two weeks of age, and one who just lost a son at twenty years, they both have been to hell and not quite back over it, and I don't think it is really easier for either to have had a short life or an even shorter life to watch over and celebrate. I don't know the depths of that pain but they do tell me it means something to them that I check in on them and acknowledge their pain, so that is what I do, and what I want to do for you. Treat yourself kindly, dear, in every way you can.
Your son was loved for those 5 short weeks, and continues to be loved. I weep with you for his loss, and I hope your memories of him sustain you over the next few difficult weeks. Happy third birthday too, to his brother. Take care x
I don't think anyone can possibly imagine what it's like to have a child die unless you have experienced it yourself. And I think that's why so many people can't talk to you about it - they feel that they'll say the wrong thing, that they'll upset you even more. I have a friend whose daughter died aged 13 of an aneurysm. She went to bed one night and never woke up. And since then people haven't wanted to speak about her, instead wanting to help him 'move on'. The thing is, he doesn't want to move on. Moving on would be forgetting her, pretending that she never existed. And how can that be possible? He and his wife have since had another child (as well as having another older one) and although the younger daughter never knew the sister who died they still speak about her all the time and have photos on the walls. He says it's so important to remember her every day. And I'm sure you feel like that too. So I shall end this comment saying a huge happy Birthday to both your boys. Let none of them ever be forgotten xxx
I honestly don't know what to say apart from that I am thinking of you and all your family today. Happy birthday to your boys x
Happy birthday to both your boys xx
Oh sweetness - it's so so hard. I wrote about going to one of my best friends' daughter's funeral a couple of months ago. She was 7 months old. It was the most beautiful and painful experience of my life.
It must be even harder to put aside your grief to celebrate with your living son.
Happy Birthday to them both. I do hope you have a really wonderful day.
L xxxx
A good friend of mne who lost his son once told me that he gets very upset when people don't talk about Joseph to him. That, although he knows they are avoiding the subject because the either don't know what to say or they don't want to cause him pain, but he feels like they are erasing Joseph's memory somehow. I think that's a lot of the reason why he set up a charity in his name.
I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain.
I think it's important that he is remembered and spoken about so I understand your upset and my thoughts are with you. People project their own discomfort and assume you feel the same. A woman I used to work with ensured that all of her subsequent children know who the lost child was and they mark her birthday each year. I'll email you the link x
A belated happy birthday to both your boys and hugs to you. I am so sorry that no-one mentions your little boy on his birthday or asks how you are doing but I just wanted to say I will listen anytime you want to talk about him or how you are coping, xxx Ella
thoughts with you xxx i lost a brother, my boys and baby girl an uncle they will never know. We talk of him often, the boys love hearing about him. I think your living boy will always carry a part of your one taken away.
I lost my younger brother aged 2 ( I was 5), he drowned on the farm we had. I still to this day don't know how my parents (who have just had their 40th wedding anniversary) survived it. We don't talk about him often but he's always there, even though weirdly my other 2 younger brothers never met him. Mum & Dad moved away, now I have responsibility for the visit for birthday and anniversary. It was the 30th anniversary of his death last month and I took my little girl with me to fix the grave, and put the newly engraved flower block in place, arrange the flowers, pay our respects. Its a peaceful thing now, but still oh so sad, and he wasn't even my child, only my brother. No-one has forgotten, its just not many people have been through it and it just doesn't stay in their heads as long. You kindly helped me when I was down at the bottom a fair few months ago, I really hope in some way this helps you. Be strong x
I'm so sorry. I can't even type this the key board is all wet.
so sorry for your loss. Hope you managed to remember both your boys in their own special way. Hugs to you all
Sorry, I have come late to the birthday party. Wanted to say how terribly sorry I feel for you. I don't want to imagine how painful it would have been to lose one of my twins. I remember my mother saying to me how it would be easier as at least you would have one baby to bring home. I totally lost it with her explaining that with twins they aren't interchangable babies, you want them both equally and as much as a single child.
From one twin mummy to another I wish your boys a belated Happy Birthday.
oppppps ........... heart touching
Oh goodness, everyone, how can I begin to thank you for your kind words? I'm going to visit you all now and say thank you personally - anything less wouldn't be a true reflection of how touched I am by your concern.
Writing truly is cathartic and I felt enormously better once I had allowed myself this literary blurt. The day itself was really okay - I cried a couple of times, but never felt the bleak despair I felt as I was writing this. I AM grateful, of course I am, for ALL my beautiful children, and I am lucky to have had my baby boy for the five short weeks that I did. That in itself is something to celebrate.
Thank you everyone xx
There is nothing to say and nothing positive to be had, as you say, it's just fucking hard. Sometimes managing grief is just letting it take hold, swearing, railing and hunching over that agony in your gut and silently screaming. Have you ever read this blog? http://lazyseamstress.blogspot.com/ i find it heartbreaking, but I wonder if there could be some comfort/support there for you? I really hope that doesn't sound patronising, it isn't meant that way. thinking of you...Pigx
why the Hell do we find it so hard to speak of the dead ?
Bless your little boy. His twin will want to remember his lost brother and will miss him terribly, so do talk of him and try to encourage others to...
Thinking of you all..xx
Thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly with us. As 1 husband, 2 kids says it is a generous thing to do as all of us who read your blog now understand that bereaved parents want to keep the memory of their lost child alive through conversation.
I hope your son, and you, had a lovely day xx
I have just read your post and I can't begin to find any words, other than to say your writing and the beautiful way you have of expressing yourself is a gift to your son and a way to ensure he is never forgotten. I am sorry I have come to this so late but I had to leave a comment. My thoughts are with you. xx
its pleasent surprise to see you on my blog ........... love you dear .have a great time........
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